The persistent Creep

We’ll call him – Creeptastic

Age:  30

Occupation:  Diver/Fisherman

Profile:  6’2”, dark hair, dark eyes, Muslim (I’m Christian but I try not to judge people or cultures I have no real experience with . . . to be completely I’ve almost tasted the entire rainbow), great smile, enjoys running, swimming in the ocean, traveling all over the world, wants kids and is seeking a long term relationship.

Creeptastic was everything I was looking for in a man, until I spoke to him on the phone. He had Borat’s accent. WTH! It took me about 10 minutes to stop laughing internally and actually listen to the man speak. Turns out he was pretty cool. He’s from Morocco and spent a great deal of his childhood in Paris. He frequently travels to the Mediterranean and Europe. He loves kids and is eager to have his own, once he finds the love of his life. Even though he had by far the most HILARIOUS accent in the world, I really liked him. This is the man I was looking for; he was smart, funny, charming and an awesome listener (which is a must because I think it’s obvious I love talking about myself A LOT). The heavens have finally opened and sent me the man of my dreams! THANK YOU LORD, THANK YOU!

We met a week later at a tapas/martini bar, and OH MY LORD HE LOOKS LIKE HIS PICTURE! I couldn’t believe it, great guy, hot body, beautiful face; before I ordered my drink I had names picked out for our 3 kids (2 girls and a boy . . . Christian, Elizabeth and Veronica. Yes, I am slightly crazy).

Then, the show started!

I was really enjoying talking to him, even though our conversation was sprinkled with hi-fives every so often. I didn’t really know how to tell him he was way to hot to still be in 1989, so I’d reluctantly hi-fived him. Imagine the stares.

 Everything was going great until he went to the bathroom. When he returned, I noticed he unbuttoned the top two buttons on his shirt. Oh My God! This MOFO had a 1980’s porn star chest fro! I didn’t know it could get that thick.

Then he goes on to say (In his Borat voice) “America isn’t free! In Morocco, if you steal you will be stoned to death.” So naturally I responded, “How do you feel about that?”  “I think they should do that here, and then no one will steal. This isn’t a free country. America will never be free” I was floored some one would actually agree with such a practice, if it exists at all in the manner that he explained. Yes, if Joethug wants to take my purse, I’ll want someone to kick his ass. To MURDER a person over a possession that can be replaced is absolutely ridiculous. He then goes on this rant about how Europeans are racist and how Americans are pussies and that’s why we aren’t free. I was literally sitting there with my mouth to the floor. How could a man so beautiful and so smart and so hot and so hot and soooooooooooooo damn hot, be so DUMB!

Then he said, “I want to take you to New York next weekend, so we can go on a real date.” Is that MOFO smoking something! Hell no! There is no way I’d let Creeptastic sell me into the International Slave Trade. I watch lifetime and I saw that movie. (Besides who the hell would buy me? When was the last time you heard of a black woman getting sold anywhere? Hell I can barely get laid for free. Black slaves are so 200 years ago. If he was smart, he’d seek out a young blonde.) Then he said, “Let’s go camping.” Why, so he can rape me, murder me and dump the body where no one can find it? “NO!”

I politely told Creeptastic that I was still exploring other male options and I’d get back to him WHEN HELL FROZE OVER. He was a persistent little shit. He called for a month after, and finally the calls stopped.

Two months later, while getting dressed to go out with Super Sensitive (a story for a later day), I get a phone call from a number I didn’t recognize. When I answered a man creepily (yes it’s a word) said “Hi, Victoria” (Don’t forget the Borat voice) “Who is this?” “You don’t remember me?  Don’t worry, you will remember. I want to take you camping.” Immediately I knew who it was. All I could say was “Ummmmmmmmmmmm goodbye.” I think someone upstairs is teasing me. I don’t know what I did in my previous life to piss God off, but I know he his laughing at the hijinx  that is my social/dating life.