LAZY TOOTH MOMMAS BOY

WE’LL CALL HIM: Slimy

AGE: 30

OCCUPATION: Pilot

PROFILE:  5’10” (I swear it’s their magic number), athletic and toned, doesn’t smoke, 2 kids, continuing his education to get an advanced pilots license, social drinker, loves flying his plane, enjoys staying active, loves camping and hiking and loves his mom.

I was sitting in bed late one evening strolling through the many faces of eligible LYING FREAKS bachelors on Match.com. I was in a peckish mood and moment away from deleting my account forever (for the 3^rd time), when I realized I had mail.  

Hmmm . . . who could this be? Is it my one true love waiting for me to respond, so we can skip off into Neverland?

He was cute!



I can dream!

I normally go for super-tall and extra crispy dark; but I couldn’t pass over those pretty blue eyes, those full pouty perfect lips, and his dirty blonde hair with the perfect mix of grey that made him look distinguished. In one picture he was standing next to his plane, in another next to his Range Rover and in another next to his RV.  I was a little intimidated because my tiny apartment and Toyota Corolla probably isn’t what he’s used to.  

His email read, “Wow you’re beautiful. I normally don’t do this, but I’d really like to meet you. My account expires tomorrow so here’s my number. Please call me I really look forward to hearing from you soon . . . Slimy.” Well being the woman that I am, I swiftly replied with my number. I’m not calling him first, that would require a since of maturity I haven’t mastered yet.

I waited in giddy anticipation until he called. 10 minutes later my phone rung, and of course I waited before I picked up because I was sitting by the phone waiting for it to ring I was busy. We talked for hours, and we had soooooooo much in common. He invited me out for dinner and drinks on Saturday evening, and I gladly accepted.

I swear it was the most beautiful March evening. The sun was going down and the sky was so vividly colorful it was as if Picasso was painting a mural for God (I’m a dreamer). The weather was cool but not cold, kind of perfect and the wind was blowing just enough to allow my hair to flow in a sexy romance novel kind of way.

I walked into the restaurant, and there he was AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH.

That little worm was skinny (not male artist I don’t care, but I really do care what I look like skinny, but gross he needed to eat skinny), about 5’7”- 5’8” tall, and his teeth were DISGUSTING. They were covered with thick, yellow/green gook that looked as if it could be scraped off. What do I do? I wanted to run! He walked over and gave me a hug . . . EWWWWWWW – I got the heebie jeebies.  

The hostess showed us to our table and he sat sooooo close to me, which is a turn off in the first place. I like a little distance when I’m eating. His breath was a funk from another universe; it was like 12 angry midgets were constantly farting in his mouth.

During dinner I learned he’s a spoiled little lazy rich kid who’s living off of his family’s money. He’s a pilot, yes. Not a paid pilot, he flies his own plane for fun. He has 2 kids he’s not supporting and complained about how the mothers (yes two baby mommas) are always asking for money. He doesn’t have a job, and doesn’t want one because he’s still trying to find himself. YOU ARE 30 LOSER, THE ONLY THING LEFT TO FIND IS A JOB. Oh and that RV, IS HIS PLACE OF RESIDENCE. When I scoffed at the idea of living in an RV, he went on to tell me that his mom paid over $200,000 for it. Really Slimy, you’re proud of that? I bet mom paid for our dinner too. As disgusted as I was at dinner I accepted an invitation to go flying the next morning. Let’s be honest, how many times will I get to go up in a private plane?

The flight was amazing and I had a great time, but I think it’s obvious I NEVER spoke to slimy again. I have a few deal breakers: tiny hands (story for another day), Yuck mouth bad teeth, dead beat dad, no job (I don’t care how much money your family has), overly sensitive and skinny extra boney men. Someday my prince will come; I hope it’s sooner than later though.